Expressing the Unexpressed: A way to Survive - By Dr. Nel Kleverlaan

Presented at the Dutch Association of Parents, Children and Cancer Conference“

Don’t come closer. I want space to feel, to think, to get things clear. Give me space but please stay close” — Marina San Giorgi

Staying close while coping with your child’s cancer isn’t easy. Your relationships skills are challenged to the utmost. From the moment of diagnosis, normal life ceases and may never return again.

So how do relationships survive under fire?

In this presentation, I want to give you some tools to survive. And, if it’s not for you, please take these tools and care for parents who are supporting their child through cancer treatments, or those facing the death of their child, or those supporting and caring for a child who has survived.

These parents are all struggling, in their own ways, with fear, anger, sorrow and pain. Maybe you — as parents, doctors, nurses — can give them some professional, personal or parental advice.

As a psychologist, I work with children and adults with cancer. Sometimes the child has cancer, sometimes the sibling, sometimes the parent. I have a suitcase full of stories. And, honestly, I don’t know where to start. Should I tell you about eight-year-old Susan who lost her mother and is afraid of getting cancer herself? Should I tell you about 13-year-old Chris, who lost his father and doesn’t want to sleep in his own bed, but, at the same time, feels stupid? Or about Tim and Anna, who lost their faith in the future? Or perhaps I should tell you about Wilke, who says, ‘The only positive thing about my cancer is that it brought my parents back together.’

The disadvantage of being a psychologist is that you always start with stories of sorrow and pain because that’s why people come to psychologists. But the good thing is these stories can turn around with people coming together and finding intimacy.
Intimacy takes different forms — intellectual, physical and emotional. Exchanging ideas and current issues, sharing activities together, grappling with feelings and touching — all are expressions of intimacy and all are an important part of building trust and understanding in a relationship.

Dr. Nel Kleverlaan is a psychologist from The Netherlands, who specializes in helping families cope with cancer. The above excerpt from her presentation appears courtesy of ICCCPO Newsletter.
In her presentation, Dr. Nel Kleverlaan further explores the three faces of intimacy along with a few dos and don’ts of sharing. Click here for a complete copy of the presentation.

Handprints Winter 2007